Glass o' Water

" The Coffee Drinking Song/Thoughts about God and Concentration Camps", or "Why I'm not working on my Comp Paper even though it's DUE TOMORROW!!!"

2007-04-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Wonderful nectar of life....coffee. Ahh.

Stimulating drug that keeps me bright-eyed.....caffiene. Oooo.

From "The Coffee Drinking Song", composed by Joshuam.

I'm working on a paper that discusses the altered mind states of concentration camp inmates, using "Experiences in a Concentration Camp" by Dr. Viktor Frankl as my source.

And oh my gosh.

I know a lot about the Holocaust - I've read books, toured the Holocaust Museum in Washington, watched documentaries and movies - but every time I research it, I grow a little more horrified. It's details about the daily life of the inmates that affects me the most. For example, Dr. Frankl talks about this affliction called edema that makes walking a nightmare.

"Like nearly all the camp inmates I was suffering from edema. My legs were so swollen and the skin on them so tightly stretched that I could scarcely bend my knees. I had to leave my shoes unlaced in order to make them fit my swollen feet. There would not have been space for socks even if I had had any. So my partly bare feet were always wet and my shoes always full of snow. This, of course, cause frostbite and chilblains. Every single step became real torture. Clumps of ice formed on our shoes during our marches over snow-covered fields. Over and again men slipped and those following behind stumbled on top of them. Then the column would stop for
a moment, but not for long. One of the guards soon took action and worked over the men with the butt of his rifle to make them get up quickly. The more to the front of the column you were, the less often you were disturbed by having to stop and then to make up for lost time by running on your painful feet."

This is just a tiny, miniscule part of the nightmarish concentration camp existence Frankl describes. I wonder how God could ever let something like this exist. Why? What possible reason is there for such horrible suffering? At the same time, I marvel at His mercy for not wiping out humanity. A species such as us, capable of creating such evil...and yet He does not drown us to extinction.

Back to my paper. I pray, Reader, that you are not as stupid as I am about procrastination..... Have a good night!

Underworld Escapes........

2007-03-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Found an awesome painting by Camille Corot called "Orpheus leading Eurydice from the Underworld", 1861, Oil on Canvas, now in the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston, Texas.

I was researching for my Classical Lit. paper, but seeing this painting inspired me to change my topic.

Just went to Stop the Traffick coffee-house music/poetry/ anything goes event. It was good.

Have a wonderful night.

A long, long time

2007-03-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I last posted on here. Quite a while.... Very sorry.

10 things that've happened since my last post:

1. I've gotten slow and fat over Christmas Break and the months of January and February. During Cross Country practice now it's embarrassing how bad I am. But there will be improvement....oh yes, there will be improvement.

2. I went to Passion Conference '07. 25,000 Christian college students in downtown Atlanta. It was fantastic.

3. I've figured out that I am a terrible procrastinator. Right now I need to be writing my Composition II paper for Dr. B. But I am not. Hah. (It's about the musical "Singing in the Rain" and how it depicts women.)

4. I've probably lost all the readers I had in my long absence.

5. Class Representative Elections are coming up. L----- and I need to make posters. This is one of our old ones from last semester. "Little Kids like Josh and L----! Vote Josh and L---- for Student Government Reps!"

6. I found out I'm allergic to something!!!!!!!!! (I've never been allergic to anything before, so this is an Event) I was taking amoxicillin for some sickness I had (one of those wasting diseases. not really) and I started to break out in red, itchy spots all over. It was highly uncomfortable. I went to the nurse and she told me I could never take another penicillin-based medicine again as I might die.

7. I rode a mechanical bull and fell off.

8. I'm taking piano lessons for the first time. I just learned how to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and was very proud at the result of my strenuous practicing efforts.

9. I got to see some Tibetan Monks in January. They made a Sand Mandala in The College's theater.

10. L---- and I have organized a "Rescue the Flag" game to kick start Stop the (Human) Traffic week here at The College. We thought the word "Rescue" would be more appropriate, but it's essentially Capture the Flag. I hope we get a somewhat decent turnout.

25

2006-12-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

My sister G---- has repeatedly told me to wait till I'm 25 years old to get married, because 25 is when "you figure yourself out". Which, for all I know, may be true, although I believe it's an individual thing. Her comment makes me wonder how much I'll change in the next few years - say the next three and a half years of college.

FAT FREE Milk

2006-11-29T23:43:00.000-08:00

My roommate R------ is snoring in his top bunk behind me - he goes to bed before I do, and wakes up later. He left the television set on ESPN (mute, mind you) and fell asleep before I got back from a late night Wal-Mart run w/ M----- and K-------. We raided the donut section, choosing only the most select, the most costly, glazed cake donuts we could find, along with milk. (Not just any milk, but FAT FREE milk. We may eat donuts at 1:00 in the morning, but by golly, we're going to drink FAT FREE milk with 'em.) We sat in the top floor hallway of my dormitory and consumed them with the other late-nighters.

I highly, strongly, urgently recommend this video to you. It will change your entire mood for the better. It's a video of someone laughing and it's infectious. And while we're on media, please listen to this song, by Interpol, which my friend and hardcore running buddy K---- recommended. (We get up early in the mornings to run so yes, we are most definitely hardcore)

G----- told me today that he thinks that spirituality should have sensuality combined with it, talking with me about "Batter My Heart", by John Donne. (If you're confused about the word "sensuality" try reading the poem and it should make more sense.) We were watching Scream with a bunch of people and I wish I could have talked about it more with him. Scream, however, is not the most conducive movie for these kinds of discussions.

I hope you all have a wonderful evening - or, as the Altell directory assistance lady told me, a "happy good night".

Master Procrastinator

2006-11-26T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am the Master Procrastinator. Late Homework assignments bow before me. Hah.

So much to do, so much sleep to catch up on. Thank goodness for coffee.

Only Hope

2006-11-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

"There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope"

This is the first half of Switchfoot's song Only Hope. I listen to it when I have something pressing on my mind - and make it a prayer, by listening to it. Can you do that? Make a song a prayer by listening to it repeatedly?

Sometimes I wonder how much of my circumstances are directly coordinated by God. For instance, last week, I had a plan in my mind of something I was going to do, and God fashioned the situation so that it nudged me not to do it. I was not planning on doing anything necessarily bad, but I wondered if God was saying, gently, "Do not do this. At least, not here."

Or was it completely a coincedence (I know that's mispelled, but I do not have the initiative to correct it.)? I'm inclined not to believe so. But then, that'd be me and my beliefs.

Lazy College Days

2006-11-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

1. No more cross country this season. I am getting out of shape, even though K---- and I run in the mornings. I feel all fluffy and generally unfit.

2. I had all A's and one B at midterm. I can possibly, (in the best of all possible worlds) make all A's, but that would require dead perfect grades on my next two Calc. tests (Hahahaha) and an A on my Western Lit finals (ehhhhhhh) But, as my friend A---- once said on her xanga, cue the "Eye of the Tiger" music and I'll set my eyes on the prize.

3. My Laundry really needs doing. But I forget and only remember at the wrong times. Fortunately, I still have a small stockpile of clothing essentials. (And yes, they are clean)

4. My glasses are broken. I rolled over on them while I slept and -pop!- the lenses came out of the frame.

5. I have not studied nearly as much as I could be, and yet I see no negative effects. I love being a freshman sometimes.

6. I feel sad sometimes when I think of the people who will graduate this school year, and the people who will graduate next year, and the people who will graduate after that, and be gone....

7. My new favorite song is "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

8. I have sworn off TV.

9. I have sworn to finish my reading list by new years.

10. I really, really, need to go finish Lit.

My Tough Luck

2006-11-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

It's too late

to stay up but Spanish is

calling in present progressive tenses and

vacation vocabulary even though I wish I could call

someone who wouldn't mind, really wouldn't mind if I called and

explained my feelings on things that no one knows but no I don't think such a thing

would

allowed

,no ,

definitely not allowed........................................................................................

God

2006-10-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

I wish I could hand you concrete proof on a platter (a silver one, at that) that God exists. Not just for you, but sometimes for me too. I think that life, esp. the Christian life, would be so much easier to live if God parted the clouds and spoke directly to me.

I believe in God most fervently, don't get me wrong. Just last Sunday I had an experience that assured me of this. It was one of those moments where a light bulb goes on inside your head and a chill ripples out from your spine and you think, "Of course!" But from time to time, I think all Christians have doubts. I've been going through this tunnel lately, looking for God's guidance, wondering if I'm right to put my faith in the Christian religion.

There's also times, however, like the experience I just mentioned. Those times when I get the soft thrill of recognition that God is reaching out to me, telling me that He really does love me and cares for me more than I could comprehend. I could never prove to you that God does this to me - it's something mystical that's entirely out of the evidence arena. I think this is ultimately what draws me back when I contemplate the sturdiness of the rock on which I stand. Really, who can explain the logic of faith? It's a leap into the dark, a leap onto something that you hope will help you stand.

College Impression # 4

2006-10-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

It's weird to think how someone you go to college with you could end up marrying. Weird and scary.

Because let's face it, marriage is a scary thing. I once dreamed I married this girl -let's call her "Jane" - from 10th grade. We were married in my dad's tomato patch. My dogs were the witnesses. Very strange. As soon the wedding was over, I got this cold, sickish feeling in the pit of my stomach. "WHAT DID I JUST DO?" I yelled. Then I woke up and experienced the sweet, sweet relief of reality. I, at fifteen years old, was not married, thank God, and especially (ESPECIALLY) not married to "Jane."

Sometimes I wonder about love - if I'd actually be so much in love that marriage would be completely doubt free (this is a very sappy entry and it's surprising me) I don't know. Hmm.

Good night.

Photo from http://www.diamondjewelrydesigns.com/shop/images/247.jpg

I wish

2006-10-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

I feel so incredibly sad right now.

I found out someone I knew just died.

I regret, deeply, that I didn't know her better and that I didn't make the effort to know her better. From what I knew of her, she was always extremely kind to everyone around her; people were important to her beyond herself.

Batter My Heart part II

2006-10-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

I posted John Donne's poem here a little while ago - I say a little while, more like a month ago - and didn't really explain why I posted it. Batter My Heart is my favorite poem. It shocked me the first time I read it, and then the more of it I read, the more I liked it.

Sometimes, I constantly feel at odds with myself, as if I've got two people inside me fighting. I think this is what Paul refers to when he talks about the "old man" or sin nature and the "new creature". More and more, I realize how helpless I am without God, how I can do nothing without him. When I fall into temptation and sin, I always have to turn back to Him in order to get out of it. Batter My Heart addresses that; sometimes I pray to God to make me turn away, to forcibly prevent me from sinning, to "break" me and "enthrall me". It's a testament to how weak I am, and at the same time, a journey of learning to depend upon Him more and more. For now, I realize, that nothing is beyond His power, and trusting that He will take care of you, as scary as it seems sometimes, is the best thing to do.

AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

- Momentary frustration-

Key word = momentary, which is a lie.

(I really should not have drank that rather large cup of coffee. Ah well)

Ever have one of those ambivalent days when on one side of the coin, life is fantastic, super, terrific, and on the other side, it is...well, not. And you don't really know what to make of it. Because it just doesn't fit. Like being happy and sad at the same time. It is very confusing and my emotions feel a little disorganized at the time being.

When my mind is not hyped by caffeine, I should be better able to elaborate on this subject.

By the way, I am not fit for "walking meditation" which we practiced today during World Religions. I most definitely tripped going up the stairs while everyone else strided away serenely. I chose this picture of the water drop because it looked serene.

And I did run seven miles today and felt like I was about to collapse at the end.

But I did make an "A" on my Calculus Quiz. I wanted to hug Dr. P-----. And then he said that we have another quiz tomorrow.

And my group did not have to give our presentation on a Jewish religious rite, which was nice, because we were not completely prepared. We thought is was due today, but it's actually due four weeks from now. Yes, I know. (We're doing a jewish burial rite. I'm going to be buried under fake rocks; we've made yarmulkes and fake rabbi beards and prayer shawls - the whole kit and caboodle)

And I am almost finished reading Dante's Inferno for West. Lit. My buddies Dante, Virgil, and I have just passed through the bolgia of the thieves who are constantly melding shapes with serpents, and the bolgia of the sowers of discord who are forever hacked apart by a demon with a sword.

And M---- and I are going to be Mario and Luigi respectively for Halloween He's going to stuff pillows down his shirt to be more plump, and since I'm tall I don't really have to worry about anything

Please accept my apologies for this post - hope you have a wonderful evening.

Photo from http://www.state.de.us/planning/livedel/information/ln_water.shtml

College Impression Number 3

2006-09-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

I've been told that many "professed Christian" college students renounce/fall away/turn their backs on their faith once they hit sophomore year.

And I can see why. This whole college experience has been a whole series of highs and lows so far, and regrettably, I often seek God out during the low points when I need Him the most. The first day of school I cried out to Him inside and asked Him to help me through this, to help me through being away from friends and family. The high points, however, are a whole new story. When I make new friends, go to interesting classes, experience life with more freedom than I've ever possessed - it's so easy to have God become part of my "faith" or "religion" in a neat little compartment to my overall self when I feel good about life. And when I plan out my future, when I think of what I want, the goals I want to achieve, the life I want to live, I think I might be farther away from Him than ever. "Of course," I always say to myself to ease any guilt (self-righteously), "I'll be living my life for God while I'm doing all this," yet it seems to take second priority.

There's a song by the Newsboys (yes, the good old Newsboys) called Hallelujah, with this chorus:

"She sings Hallelujah, when all has become nothing, and her hope in the Savior, has colored all she does, and taints the way she loves."

The word "taint" gives me pause, yet the idea of my hope in the Savior coloring all I do, when all else in life has become nothing...that is letting my faith become me, letting it be what I am, a Christian. I've asked God to forgive me for ever letting Him fall to the back of my mind, and I pray that I never, ever, turn away.

Batter My Heart

2006-09-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

"Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to'another due,
Labor to'admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me, 'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

Batter My Heart, by John Donne.

(Photo from http://edison.seattlecentral.edu/~mofsow01/findus.html)

2006-09-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

I HATE Calculus.

Sorry. I extremely dislike Calculus. I don't have any problems with the teacher or anything like that, my mind just doesn't compute well mathematically.

Helpful Hunting Tips

2006-09-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

My sis M---- bought me one of the coolest pieces of art in the known universe at Washinton D.C. last spring break: "The Great Wave Off Kanawagna" by Katsushika Hokusai. (Yes, she did indeed buy the orginal work.....actually that's a lie, she bought a print of the painting, a print. Sorry.) I have proudly posted it on the back of the dorm room door so I gaze on it while at my computer. My roommate R---- put his calender of Arkansas Wildlife complete with Helpful Hunting Tips on his closet door and I gaze on that too. Sept. 26th suggests you "Give your lawnmower a break and let grass and weeds go to seed to attract backyard wildlife."

(I don't really know how to transition from wildlife to maturity but since that's on my mind here it goes.) Ahem, speaking of wildlife, I think one of the big realizations I've had since coming to college is that I'm not as near as smart or mature or well rounded as I thought I was. I feel like an absolute prick for writing this but truth be told, I was used to being the upperclassman in high school (SENIOR DAWGS!!!) and a leader or decision maker. I'd like to say you can learn maturity from observing it in others, but I have a sneaking suspicion (really a diehard belief) that Experience is the best teacher. As frustrating as it is, sometimes you just have to endure things for yourself no matter how much you try to learn from others.

With that, I think I might go get some lunch. Adios.

Reading List

2006-09-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well well well....I've decided to start an official reading list. I'm going to choose five books spannig a few weeks to read and think about; once one set is finished, I'll pick out another five and carry on. There's not really any criteria - as long as the book appears to be interesting and thought provoking. (I've only picked three out so far.)

1. "The Question of God: C. S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love , Sex, and the Meaning of Life" by Dr. Armand M. Nicholi Jr.

2. "Beasts of No Nation", by Uzodinma Iweala

3. "Through Painted Deserts", By Donald Miller

2006-09-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the weekend. : )

Gone the Way of the Cowboys.

2006-08-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but if you do, I apologize for not having posted. College started, life got busy, I began to take naps during the day. etc. and sadly posting was demoted in my list of priorities. But I'm going to keep it up, by golly... all the other ones I've started have, as my sister G---- says, gone the way of the cowboys.

I'd like to lay my impressions of college life all out in this one post, but that would take too long (and besides, I'm about to go take another nap) so I think I'll give like "Snapshot of College Life # Uno" (see, Spanish 101 is already paying off. Woot) to be followed by Dos, etc.

# Uno:

In the mornings, I wake up fairly early and I go run around the lake on campus. (More like a pond than anything, but you know) There are these ducks, see, that quack at me everytime I run by and sometimes they get in the middle of the path and I have to jump over them or something to avoid them. It's about a fourth of a mile around the lake and it's really peaceful down there (except when the maintenance trucks try to pass you) so it's a nice way to start the morning off.

# Dos

The freshman all live in these dorms just off this big cement square in the middle of campus called the Quad. You meet all of them at once during our oreintation, but it takes a little while to meet the upperclassmen. Last Sunday night the Sororities and Frats met on the quad around 11 and started chanting some slogans in a ritual that they apparently do every Sunday.

And, er--- this post really isn't going anywhere, so I'm going to start on my nap now, more on college later. Adios

Life Changing Experiences

2006-08-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

I used to not believe in life changing experiences. Which as a Christian, (albeit a rotten one at times) is pretty sad. I was of the mindset that every change is the result of a million little changes and is not traceable to one, defining instant. You know, those sort of magical movie moments where a person throws up their arms in defiance/enlightenment and (fortunately for them and the viewer) turn from an ugly, fat (hairy, oozy, multiple-eyed, etc) caterpillar into a pretty butterfly. Coo-ee.

Even being saved - I thought, (and, actually, still think to an extent) it's more the culmination of changes throughout my life, witnessing God's love from different Christians, feeling the Holy Spirit draw me, understanding the significance of Jesus more and more, realizing my own sinful self's helplessness, and so on. I cannot point to one specific time in my life and tell you, "I was saved in that area. " I really don't know. I prayed the prayer to recieve Christ as a young, young child - was I saved then? I don't think I understood till I was older, but then, I'm not sure... The important thing is that I know I am saved, even if I'm not exactly sure when.

But, as of today, I'm convinced that there are life changing moments. Catatlyst moments, if you will.

2006-08-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Terry Pratchett is the man. I heart Discworld.

Black and White (Alarm Clocks, actually)

2006-08-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

Daily, I wake up to my alarm clock. It is the worst sound in the world, a sort of "AEEHHHH!! AEEHHHH! AEEHHHH!" And it's not, unfortunately, one of those pleasant clocks that shuts up after a few minutes or so. It would aeehhhh! itself eternally if I didn't hit it. I've put it across the room from my bed, the theory being that getting out of bed to turn it off would wake me up, etc. But instinctively, I switch from sleeping like the dead to olympian speed medalist, bounding from bed to slam the snooze button, turning on my heel, and leaping back into the bed covers in a mere matter of nanoseconds. (Nanoseconds, buddy, mere nanoseconds!!!!)

This morning, I turned my alarm clock off instead of hitting the snooze button and woke up around 7:45ish. When I squinted at the clock though without the aid of my glasses, it looked like 11:45 and I almost had a heart attack, thinking I'd overslept and was seriously late for work. (Starts at 9:30) Let me tell you, there is nothing for waking up like experiencing a near heart attack of panic. Bang! I was out of bed like a shot.

This post was really supposed to be about something else (notice the title) and I spent some time picking out a picture that has absolutely nothing to do with what I actually wrote about. Oh well. Good night.

Breakfast Club

2006-08-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

I watched "Breakfast Club" for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Shocking huh? Should have seen it a few years ago, when I actually was beginning high school instead of having left it just recently.

But now, a question. Where the heck did they get the name "Breakfast Club"??? The only mention of it is at the very end, and I was like, "Whoah, where'd that come from?" Random title. Maybe I just missed some deep, ultimate, utterly significant symbolic key to the whole film.

It was one of those movies that reminds you that everyone has problems of their own to deal with. The people who sneer at others ("Oh yeah? When have you ever had it hard? Life has been so easy for you!") for having "it easy" grate on me. They seem to feel they are special for enduring hardship - a sort of self-righteous angst. But they miss the fact that to really know someone you have to be in their position, the "walk a mile in their shoes" kind of thing. Do you really know what someone else is going through?

I can think of many people I'd no clue were undergoing terrible hardships - I'd assumed everything was fine. And, (confession ahead) I might have said some of them have it easy from a quick surface judgement. It makes me feel important, because, apparently, I have it harder.

One of the characters in "Breakfast Club" tells another that he doesn't invite other people into his problems - therefore, other people assume he has it easy when he really doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if it is a good thing, to keep what you're going through to yourself. When Jesus discusses fasting in the gospels, he says to present a positive face on the outside, to keep fasting a secret between you and God. If you reveal your suffering to others, you will have recieved the reward for fasting, because you will gain the respect from men. But if you keep it secret, God will repay you, for He sees that it is for Him and not to glorify yourself among others. A lot of people glorify themselves by sharing their trials with others - "Look at how I have to perservere through such troubles". Perhaps some sufferings are best left between you and God.

Other times, I wonder if you should share with someone else, to rely on someone's strength to get you through bad waters. It's most likely a matter of personal judgement...I'm not really sure.

2 weeks...

2006-08-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

2 more weeks before I pack up and head to The College. Mom and I went dorm room shopping yesterday - I am the proud new owner of a black shelf and a wastebasket and some twin bed sheets. I wanted to buy a blender, but I wasn't sure if I'd really use it. It's still a possibility....

Playlist

2006-07-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, just got an iPod recently and (dum da da dum!!) made my first playlist this morning. I keep rearranging the songs, but here they are so far.

"Half Light" by Athlete, Tourist
"Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie, Plans
"Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond, The Essential Neil Diamond
"Auf Achse" by Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand
"Strange & Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You) by Aqualung, Strange & Beautiful
"Caring is Creepy" by The Shins, Garden State Soundtrack
"Get Rhythm" by Johnny Cash, The Legend of Johnny Cash
"O Green World" by Gorillaz, Demon Days
"Yellow" by Coldplay, Parachutes
"Look What You've Done" by JET, Get Born
"Intoxicating (Pneumatic Mix)" by David Crowder Band, Sunsets and Sushi
"Come Together" by The Beatles, Abbey Road
"There She Goes" by Chris Isaac, Forever Blue
"Fix You" by Coldplay, X & Y
"Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine, Garden State Soundtrack
"Take a Picture" by Filter, Title of Record

Homeless

2006-07-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I saw 3 homeless men in one day. That's some sort of record where I live because usually I don't see 2 homeless people a year. They hadn't bathed or shaven in a while; their clothes were covered in dust and dried sweat. Their eyes were dull, squinting through the 90 degree heat at nothing in particular, not even looking in the windows of the cars that passed them by. It was embarrassing for me to see them, embarrassing because I felt discomforted for them and embarrassing because I didn't want to think about them. I didn't want them to be there because of the guilty feeling that slipped through my gut.

Conservatively, I'd tell you that the guys I saw lived in predicaments of their own making. I'd also say, "Why encourage such a lifestyle by giving to them? They are not productive citizens - they live on the underbelly of society like parasites. Why can't they get a job?" This helps ease my guilt. And it makes me feel good about myself: I have a forty hour a week job for the summer and I'm going to college on scholarship next fall with two declared majors and a minor. I turn into my ambitious, driven, ruthless self. I become this person when I see people drop out of high school, or fail a class. "They have their own sorry selves to blame."

When I first saw this painting by Pat Mikrut, I didn't notice the writing on the back wall. It says "Jesus Saves" backwards. At first, it made me angry, as if the artist was making a case that Christianity, that Jesus, didn't work. But then, I wondered whether or not the artist was saying something else, criticizing the bloody hypocritical Christians like me who can say "Why encourage such a lifestyle by giving to them?"

There's a parable in the Bible about a prodigal son, a nasty, ungrateful child who grabbed his inheritance early from his father, ran away from home, partied till he had nothing, then returned home in the most abject humiliation, the lowest of lows (he was reduced to eating pig slop) to ask his father if he would recieve him back as a servant in the household. But the father saw him coming from a distance, and ran to embrace him. Instead of accepting him as a servant, he clothed him in a new robe and slaughtered his finest calf for a feast, accepting him as his son. "My Son, who once was lost, is now found"

There comes times when I see things clearly. That really, with my sins, I should be judged just as harshly as I judge others. I am no better than those homeless men I've seen - they need Jesus just as much as I do. And, as a Christian who has experienced God's mercy and love, should show mercy and love to others.

Classes (Calculus, Calculus, Calculus )

2006-07-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

I've decided to double major in English and Political Science w/ a minor in International Studies (this all tenatively, mind). Interestingly enough, The College, being a liberal arts school, requires students to take all sorts of courses in order to give them a "taste" of knowledge across the board, so my first semester doesn't have much to do with my majors.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday: P.E. (on M & W), World Religions, Intro to Western Lit., and Calculus. (Calculus ...yeah...calculus. Not too excited about that. I didn't want to take it, but something about ACT scores...ah well. My sister M----- also attended The College and graduated with a 3.98. Guess what her one "B" was in? Calculus. Ich.)

Tuesday: Spanish I (also on Thurs.), Freshman 101, Calculus Lab

That's 15hrs - would've taken more, but freshman can't their first semester.

My adviser is also my Intro to Western Lit. teacher - he kind of injects enthusiam into the air through his presence. It's catching.

Recommend listening to the song "Such Great Heights". There are dos verisions, (like that espanol, eh? Bring on "Spanish I", baby.) one by The Postal Service (the original, I think) and one by Iron and Wine. Both are good in their own way - both sound like a completely different song. Hope you all have a wonderful night.

Bacon Sandwiches

2006-07-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

I had a bacon sandwich for dinner. It was surprisingly satisfying. I am not hungry at all - a small miracle in itself. My sister G---- refuses to eat bacon, apparently for health reasons. I could care less. I try to eat healthy (sometimes), but I draw the line at refusing bacon.

Speaking of surprises, time really seems to get away from me lately. It's been, oh, over a month since I've last posted here. I really am trying, you know, but it's a daunting task to write regularly.

Civic Choir, Augustine, and Love

2006-06-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

I feel so horribly brainwashed by consumerism. Hoo boy. I've already posted a Pepsi add and now this. Ah well. I do drive a Honda Civic though, in self defense, so I have as much right as anyone to post this.

Next on my reading list is St. Augustine's "Confessions". I've heard some of what he's taught, and I'm interested in his views on Christianity. He was the Bishop of Hippo, (around the 300's, perhaps?) I read through 1st John this morning and was convicted through John's "If any man has Christ" he does etc, (love his brother, loves others, obeys Jesus' commandments, and so on). It really boils down to love, in the end. It sounds simple, and nice and easy (perhaps to some), but last night I really realized that to truly love someone is divine. And brotha, in no way am I divine. Not one bit.

I can't be good. At least by myself. It takes God in all His glorious forgiveness and mercy to make me so.

If you write it out in bare bone equations... (let " - " = without)

Me - God = Nothing, Evil, Ruined, Hopelessly and utterly lost.

However, if I am in God's salvation through His Son, Jesus, I become the creation that I was meant to be. I become complete. I become a truly "real" person.

I really am the most awful of sinners. (I just had to confess something terrible a few moments ago.) Paul said he was foremost, but I just might contest that. And yet, God gives me the chance to be clean through His unconditional love. If you just sit for a moment and ponder that... Clean.. God sees no sins in you before Him with His beautiful eyes as something new. That is what love is.

I feel like the youngest of Christians sometimes, and at other times the worst. Yet I realized that I have to have faith, faith in My Savior to finish His work in me, to lift me out of the wreckage my soul is, and mold me into something perfect in His will.

Surprised

2006-05-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

Once in a while, I find myself searching for something that's hard to describe. I think it's a feeling; when I listen to music or see a particular flash in someone's eyes or see a certain picture or painting, I get this quick, little jolt of emotion in my gut that spreads throughout my whole body. It doesn't last very long, and I often try to repeat the same gesture that evoked the feeling, but don't get the same level or depth. This kind of - glow(?) remains behind, and I keep expecting (maybe looking?) for something to happen. (I know this is weird, hang with me here.)

I guess it's more an anticipation of something, a sort of sense of something beyond wonderful that's just a little too high for me to reach. C.S. Lewis refers to this feeling as being "surprised by Joy", and his articulation of it (in his book called "Surprised by Joy", no less) is the best description I can find.

It's almost bittersweet, but in a positive(?) way. I can't reach it, but I know it's there somewhere. It's moments like these, from both my experience and apparently C.S. Lewis's, that I really know that God exists, that there is something so much higher and broader than my own humanity. This really isn't rational at all - sorry if you're disappointed, but you can't put much rationality on these kind of feelings.

Memorial Day

2006-05-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

I love the new Pepsi commercial. It's called Rain and features Eva Longoria. (Who is, of course, drinking Pepsi. Imagine that.) The best part is the music; I wish there was some way I could find it online and download it. Tell the truth, I don't much care for Pepsi (Coke all the way, baby!!!), even though this particular advertisement really makes me want to have one.

Bought a new watch today. For a whopping $6.43. It's one of those studly velcro strap watches. Digital. Mmmm-hmmm. :) Can't wear it to work though, (which is at a Jewelry store where we have watches over $500) but I plan on using it to time my runs around the lake. That's about the most productive thing I've done on this Memorial Day. I did go to lunch with some friends at Applebee's.

Currently, I'm reading "Tess of the D'Ubervilles" by Thomas Hardy...depressing. So far, a young girl has been taken advantage of (by a guy who pretended to be her cousin but really wasn't), had a baby, lost the baby, and had to move away from her family to milk cows. Ich.

A Long Time Ago...

2006-05-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

Put the wraps yesterday on my first week as a graduated high school student. Quite a milestone, huh? As Dad says, I'm finally "a real person". Score. Graduation was one of those bittersweet moments where you think, "Thank You God" on one hand and "Whoah, I'm not going to see you, or you, or you, or you you you you ever again."

The ironic thing is they don't even hand you your diploma when you walk across the stage. Instead, you are handed an elegant, red leather holder with the words Diploma stenciled in gold lettering across it (A nice touch, I thought, considering it's just public high school) that's empty. I have yet to swing by the school and pick up mine -should probably do that soon - but it feels a little anticlimatic.