God

I wish I could hand you concrete proof on a platter (a silver one, at that) that God exists. Not just for you, but sometimes for me too. I think that life, esp. the Christian life, would be so much easier to live if God parted the clouds and spoke directly to me.

I believe in God most fervently, don't get me wrong. Just last Sunday I had an experience that assured me of this. It was one of those moments where a light bulb goes on inside your head and a chill ripples out from your spine and you think, "Of course!" But from time to time, I think all Christians have doubts. I've been going through this tunnel lately, looking for God's guidance, wondering if I'm right to put my faith in the Christian religion.

There's also times, however, like the experience I just mentioned. Those times when I get the soft thrill of recognition that God is reaching out to me, telling me that He really does love me and cares for me more than I could comprehend. I could never prove to you that God does this to me - it's something mystical that's entirely out of the evidence arena. I think this is ultimately what draws me back when I contemplate the sturdiness of the rock on which I stand. Really, who can explain the logic of faith? It's a leap into the dark, a leap onto something that you hope will help you stand.

College Impression # 4

It's weird to think how someone you go to college with you could end up marrying. Weird and scary.

Because let's face it, marriage is a scary thing. I once dreamed I married this girl -let's call her "Jane" - from 10th grade. We were married in my dad's tomato patch. My dogs were the witnesses. Very strange. As soon the wedding was over, I got this cold, sickish feeling in the pit of my stomach. "WHAT DID I JUST DO?" I yelled. Then I woke up and experienced the sweet, sweet relief of reality. I, at fifteen years old, was not married, thank God, and especially (ESPECIALLY) not married to "Jane."

Sometimes I wonder about love - if I'd actually be so much in love that marriage would be completely doubt free (this is a very sappy entry and it's surprising me) I don't know. Hmm.

Good night.

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I wish

I feel so incredibly sad right now.

I found out someone I knew just died.

I regret, deeply, that I didn't know her better and that I didn't make the effort to know her better. From what I knew of her, she was always extremely kind to everyone around her; people were important to her beyond herself.

Batter My Heart part II

I posted John Donne's poem here a little while ago - I say a little while, more like a month ago - and didn't really explain why I posted it. Batter My Heart is my favorite poem. It shocked me the first time I read it, and then the more of it I read, the more I liked it.

Sometimes, I constantly feel at odds with myself, as if I've got two people inside me fighting. I think this is what Paul refers to when he talks about the "old man" or sin nature and the "new creature". More and more, I realize how helpless I am without God, how I can do nothing without him. When I fall into temptation and sin, I always have to turn back to Him in order to get out of it. Batter My Heart addresses that; sometimes I pray to God to make me turn away, to forcibly prevent me from sinning, to "break" me and "enthrall me". It's a testament to how weak I am, and at the same time, a journey of learning to depend upon Him more and more. For now, I realize, that nothing is beyond His power, and trusting that He will take care of you, as scary as it seems sometimes, is the best thing to do.